How to Strengthen Connection in Relationships

February is here which means Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching. Many couples will be planning dates and doing things to express their love for their partner. However, Valentine’s Day is just one day out of the year. How can you maintain a strong emotional connection all year round?

A few ways to stay connected can include:

• Communicating and understanding your partner

• Building on your friendship

• Showing you are thinking about your partner

Communication and understanding your partner

Healthy communication is important to any relationship. Attachment relationships are based

off of emotional accessibility and responsiveness. In relationships, people need to know “you

are there for me,” “you can be relied on to meet my needs,” and “you are safe”.

One way you can maintain your emotional connection through communication is by

communicating better in moments of disconnection. This prevents these moments from

becoming rips in the connection of your relationship. You can do this by thinking about what

your partner did that upset you, what you felt, where you felt that in your body, what you say

to yourself about you and your partner when that happens, and what action you took in

response to that. Sharing this with your partner can help them understand the reasons behind

your behavior and lead to deeper understanding and connection.

Also, be curious about what is happening emotionally for your partner in the interactions you have to better understand their internal experience. Additionally, you don’t have to agree with your partner to make them feel heard. Often times in relationships when partners don’t feel heard what they really need is for their partner to understand what they feel and what lead to them feeling that way, whether it was something their partner did or an external stressor.

Friendship

It is important to enjoy spending time with your partner. When you and your partner started

dating you did so because you enjoyed being around each other. Make sure to take time to plan

activities you both want to do together. Do things that make you laugh together. Talk about

activities or experiences you would like to share together to identify new things you can do to

keep things fresh.

Having enjoyable life experiences together will make your relationship more resilient in times of hardship. Even if you don’t have the resources to get out of the house and go on date nights frequently, having a person you can even watch a TV show with and have inside jokes with related to that shared experience of watching the same show can still foster a sense of “this person gets me in a way others don’t.” Relationship expert John Gottman discusses the importance of building daily rituals of connection. Small routines like a kiss when you leave for work and get home from work, coffee together, or blocking out time at the end of your day to discuss how your day went can help maintain connection.

Show your partner you are thinking about them

This can be done by small gestures to show you care such as small gifts that make them feel

thought of, writing them a sweet note, or telling them you love them. It doesn’t have to be a

grand gesture. It could be simply getting them a snack they like because you thought of them

when you saw it.

What if I have tried these things and we still feel a lack of connection?

Relationships are complex and there are a lot of factors that can contribute to relationship

satisfaction. Couples often times can get stuck in cycles that lead to them feeling disconnected and having chronic disagreements about the same things. If you a struggling with getting

unstuck, couples therapy can be a wonderful tool to help you find ways to re-connect and

strengthen your relationship.

Need some outside help to improve your relationship? Reach out to Mike Dean, LMFT.